Please, let me fuck your mom
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
