her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
