im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize