i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
