Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
