My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Randomize
