Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
