God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How does one acquire holy water?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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