There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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