I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
