so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
