Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
