I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
