What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
