But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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