My Higher Power is John Stamos
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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