if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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