Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
