I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
