I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
