Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
