Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
