Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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