I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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