I'm really into asian looking animals
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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