Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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