i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
