I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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