what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
