I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
