I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Randomize
