I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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