Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
