Betty ford says i'm here all night
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
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