Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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