I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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