I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
