So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
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