It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
