You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
