I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
No subtext here. People are naked.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
