You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
