TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize