I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize