If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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