the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
