o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize
