I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
