The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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