the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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