I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize