It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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