On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
