Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You need a sexual gate keeper
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize