Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My ATM looks so different sober.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
