Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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