Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
