i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
