Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You made out with two different species that night
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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