Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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