Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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