There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
