so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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