I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize