Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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