i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
