i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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