nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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