My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
