I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
