I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
